TV REVIEW: We Say Goodbye to Revenge Forever in the Series Finale “Two Graves”

It’s been a hell of a four year Revenge ride as we’ve watched Emily/Amanda go hoodie dark and red Sharpie out name after name in her quest for some justice for dad. But there was one name that could not be marked through … Victoria Grayson. The witch just wouldn’t die, even when we thought we saw her blown to kingdom come.

Tonight that all changed as we witnessed one of the most fast paced finales known to mankind leaving us all a little shell shocked. Still processing it all. Maybe I shouldn’t.

The series finale reminds me of that store bought cake you wolf down savoring the sickening sweet frosting and the spongy middle. After the fact, you curse yourself for giving in to the slightly dry piece of dessert knowing you could’ve done better. I’m not going to think about this one too much, instead enjoying it for what it was. Pure, ridiculous, campy entertainment.

Happy Crazy Mother’s Day

Victoria and Margaux are still besties, bonded by their hatred of Emily (I can’t call her Amanda). Vicky makes time for a confessional telling the French woman that the body that blew up in the explosion that fake-claimed her life was her mother’s. Whaaaat? Margaux doesn’t bat one false lash, “Your mother did unspeakable things to you.”

We see a flashback of Victoria going to mom’s hospital bed where the two seemingly have a bitch off. Victoria’s mom let’s baby girl know she’ll see her in hell, and, by the way, the man you “seduced” (who really raped the young girl) was your daddy. Whaaaat?

If anyone can claim mommy issues, it’s Victoria. She says, “It was only in death that my mother could do something good for her daughter.” So wait, she kept the body? They show the house exploding again to reiterate that it was the Vicky mom corpse that really blew. And they have to get their money’s worth for the special effect of a Grayson Manor Inferno.

Louise Really Kills It At Funerals

At the funeral of Victoria, Louise tearily talks about Vicky’s capacity to love, how it was unmatched. Wait, is this the same Victoria Grayson we’ve all come to know and love to hate over the past four seasons? She goes on and on about how “blessed” she was to experience that special Victoria love. Megalomaniac Vicky can’t stay away from her own funeral, hearing the Louise adoration. She later complains to Margaux that none of her children even showed up. Pretty sure Daniel was the only one with a good excuse.

Victoria can’t resist the Red eulogy, enjoying how it really captured her essence. She summons Margaux to bring Louise; they’re letting her in on the whole faking my death with a blown up house and a dead mom corpse. Louise tearfully calls Victoria “mama” and we all have to swallow down a little throw up.

(ABC/Richard Cartwright)
EMILY VANCAMP

A Jack/Emily Love Connection

In court Emily’s big strategy is a big, fake confession, “I am guilty of the murder of Victoria Grayson.” Whaaaat?

A pretend fire breaks out in the prison Emily’s being held after her pretend true confession. Surprise, surprise. Emily strolls out to an awaiting Nolan.

Emily says they have to move. She’s never one to sit tight. “You’re not going anywhere Miss America’s Most Wanted,” Nolan insists with the funniest line of the night.

Jack’s hiding out with Emily, and we finally, finally, finally get the Jemily moment we’ve been waiting for. “You’ve always made me feel safe, Jack.” They hold hands as he looks up into her eyes. “I guess I’m just scared…and I don’t know how this is going to end,” she tells him, all of it code for let’s get it on.

Jack says no way he’s letting it end without this, which is code for yes, I want to get it on. They kiss and finally have that sexy time we’ve been waiting for. Oh, and it happens to be where Ben was killed. Everything was rushed tonight in what should have been a two-hour series finale, so the sex was seriously wham, bam, thank you ma’am. We are still so happy they found the minutes to give us (and Emily) a little satisfaction.

Sunday Bloody Sunday

It was a bloody series finale, but we knew it would have to be. After all, two graves were promised.

Emily searches for Victoria’s mom’s dental records while Jack returns to get the Courtney Love treatment, stabbed in the gut, white gold style. Blood spews as we hope that Jack is not one of those graves. God knows he’s done everything for his girl; if anyone deserves to live it’s Jack Porter. Emily shows up frantic at the hospital vowing to take care of Victoria once and for all. “I’m gonna put her in the ground.”

Nolan says he’s putting Margaux down also, “I trained for four years with the most dangerous sensei I know.” Wait, did Nolan use a katana and I missed it?

Louise pops up at the hospital saying she knows where Victoria is! Aw, she may not be Team Emily but she’s still Team Nolan at heart.

Nolan stalks into a darkened Margaux office, flashing pics of dead Ben on her computer screen. “Jack’s in critical condition,” he lets her know. She insists she didn’t mean for anyone to get hurt. Nolan says it’s your decisions that define you. “You’ve still got a decision to make.”

While Jack’s in that critical condition he finds the strength and time to ask David Clarke if he can take care of Emily for life, go steady so to speak. We all know where this is leading. Yesss!

In the meantime, Louise leads Emily to the Victoria hideout and the showdown is straight out of General Hospital circa 1996. Or maybe it was Dallas 1979. Emily points her gun at Vicky, so ready to end this woman for realsies this time. She shoots Victoria right in the stomach … only she doesn’t. The bullet didn’t come from her gun! David’s behind her and he pulled the trigger. Incredibly, or rather unbelievably, Victoria still has it in her to shoot Emily.

So quick recap, Jack was stabbed, Victoria shot, Emily shot, got it. They called this one “Two Graves,” I’m seeing three possibilities so far, and one better not be Ems.

Meanwhile, in a less bloody sequence, White Gold rolls into Nolan’s club and stabs him in the hand. He’s taser ready, zapping the killer to unconsciousness. Margaux comes barging in to pull that knife out and stay when the cops get there to admit her sins. It looks like she took the Nolan speech to heart.

 (ABC/Richard Cartwright)
EMILY VANCAMP, JAMES TUPPER

Those Two Graves

We see Charlotte at a Clarke grave. Whew, it’s David not Emily. Ems is there to flashback to dad’s final moments. We see him looking super sick on the porch, saying that getting to know her lets him die a happy man. She cries as he says he loves her “Infinity times …” He’s dead. One grave down.

Emily sees all those graves next to dad’s, all those old favorites, including Victoria Grayson herself. Two down. But it’s on to the next scene before we can say “awww” and go all sentimental. Remember, they crammed two hours worth of stuff into this one hour?

Jemily Ever After

We see Emily getting dressed, in white. Revengers, we are getting a wedding! Nolan is there to ask if there’s life after revenge for Nolan Ross. Emily assures him that there is.

Jack and Emily exchange quickie vows, time’s a ticking and those writers have a few tricks up their sleeves.

Porter does a quick name drive-by, toasting at his reception, “Remember the people who couldn’t be here today, Declan, Emily Thorne, Carl, Sr., Aiden and Ben and David Clarke.” He said them so fast it was almost comical.

But there’s no time for laughing, it’s on to the next scene, and life lesson via Emily’s voice over, “I consider myself lucky, most morality tales don’t have happy endings. When everything you love has been stolen from you, consider my story as you embark on your own journey of revenge.” Wow, we have deep thoughts by Emily. So glad she did embark on a revengenda or we would’ve missed out on the four seasons of Nolan outfits. Not even mentioning Aiden in that towel.

We flashback once again, this time to Emily in the hospital, and how she survived. Turns out it was a heart transplant. Victoria and Emily were a match! What? How can that be unless Victoria was Emily’s…

Emily wakes up on a boat Jack is sailing with him assuring her it was just a nightmare. Hmmm, really?

The cheesetastic ending really does have Jack and Emily sailing off into the sunset, earning their happily ever after.

(ABC/Richard Cartwright)
GAIL O’GRADY, CHRISTA B. ALLEN

Sadly, Nolan didn’t find love. He’s at his club when a young man comes in, “Amanda Clarke says you can help me. My mother, she’s innocent.” The mischievous look in those Nolan Ross eyes say he may have found something better than love. You just know he’s going to techie genius his way through case after case. If only we could be there to see it all unfold (with Louise as his partner in anti-crime). Spin-off, ABC. Spin-off, please.

So after four years, countless real and fake deaths, Revenge is truly done. It ended as it came into this world – with a bang of charm, flair, and melodrama. Could the finale have been better? Sure, two hours would have helped slow down the frenetic pace. But could it have been a whole lot worse? Oh yes. Let me just say “Don’t Stop Believin” diner scene.

Revenge gave us a happy ending. They gave us a happy freaking ending! The dark, death filled series let Emily bask in the sun and sail off with her Prince Charming. Just pinch me. They killed off the Wicked Witch of Revenge. And they assured us that Nolan would never become a boring soccer mom. A huge thank you to all involved in this favorite Sunday soap, especially to all the actors who made us fall in love with their characters, even the villains, especially the villains. It’s been a thrill a minute, one we will miss as we realize there will never be another “next, on Revenge” sequence to watch. Monday’s looking a whole lot darker. I may have to wear a hoodie tomorrow.