TV REVIEW: Grey’s Anatomy’s “We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together” or That Time Cristina Inherits the Chocolate Factory

Like a really good friend, Meredith’s narration opens this week’s offering with an offering of her own – some advice. “Sometimes you just need to get out of town. You need a new perspective. But you can’t always see that because you need a new perspective to see you need a new perspective.”  Could this be more pointedly aimed at Cristina Yang (Sandra Oh)?  We all know Yang is getting a whole new perspective because she’s leaving our favorite hospital in primetime TV.  This episode showed us how it might happen.

We see Yang not handling her Harper Avery defeat very well. It’s a little hard to “move on gracefully” when everyone in the universe is telling her she was robbed. The hospital board even wants her to appeal the decision saying it’s bigger than her.  It means a loss of grants and talented docs.  Bigger than Yang?  I don’t think so. Haven’t they heard?  It is ALL about Cristina.  This is her farewell tour.

Course of action? Go on a vacation to get over her loss.  Not really.  She’s offered a chance to speak in Zurich and, after prodding from Owen (Kevin McKidd), finally accepts the offer. Five all expense paid days in the Swiss Alps. I’m thinking that’s better than any old award that gathers dust on a shelf. She’s sitting on a picturesque terrace and leaves Meredith a voice mail. “I love Zurich!”  She actually sounds ecstatic and perky and ADHD. Did Yang already exit Grey’s and this is some replacement Cristina all high on life?

The crash from that high comes pretty quick. While Yang’s lecturing, a question comes from a man in the audience. Key super dramatic music.  This has got to be the highly promoted return of Preston Burke (Isaiah Washington), right?  Oh yes!  Let’s just get into all the Burke bullshit right now.

He slowly walks down the stairs of the auditorium and sure enough, it’s Burke.

Cristina’s a little shook up, her face conveying confusion and hurt. Burke brought her there secretly. He says, “I didn’t think you’d accept an invitation from me considering our last interaction.”

Cristina knows “last interaction” is code for “Me in a white dress and you fleeing the state.”  He wants her to scrub in on a surgery, saying it’s an “interesting” one. She can’t resist the hot pick up line of “surgery” and gives in.  He’s pulling out all the stops and breaks out his new toy, a futuristic, super cool hologram picture of the heart. Wow, does hologram trump 3-D printer? Later, Burke goes for the home run by showing her a huge room full of 3-D printers.  What is this?  A marriage proposal can’t be far off.

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KEVIN MCKIDD, SANDRA OH

Cristina shows up at his office dressed to kill.  She asks, “Is this some ploy to get me back in your life. I’m not interested.”  Um, your dress says differently.

Burke shows Yang pictures of his wife and daughter and says, “I’m happy.”

Ouch.  As if that weren’t enough, he goes on to add, “I don’t want you Cristina.”  Apparently, wifey stays home with the little Burkes. “She’s perfect for me and the kids. When you and I do what we, do we need someone to stay at home.”

Well, that was unexpected.  You can take the arrogant out of the asshole, but you can’t take the asshole out of the arrogant, or something like that.  Whatever.  You know what I mean. Burke’s the same old self centered pig that left Cristina holding the bouquet.

“You don’t know me anymore,” she counters. C’mon Cristina, we want you to let him have it.

“I know you’ve become a magnificent surgeon.  You’ve become everything I dreamed you’d be.”  Dramatic music again. And now the kicker, the reason he has her here.  He wants her to stay and do her research in Zurich.

Cristina turns down the job saying she never wants to work for him. She wanted to BE him. “The best thing that ever happened to me was you walking away.  It made me stand on my own two feet.”

In the closest thing to an apology Yang’s ever getting from Burke, he says he doesn’t want her working for him.  “Us working together would destroy my married life. The way I loved  you was consuming. I want you to take over for me.”

Cristina is dumbfounded, asking, “Wait.  You’re offering me the hospital like you’re Willy Wonka and you’re offering me the chocolate factory?”

Burke replies, “Cheer up, Charlie” while “Like a Virgin” plays in the background.  We see what you’re doing here, Grey’s.  Cristina can be all shiny and new, touched for the very first time, in Zurich.  Thousands of miles away from Seattle and a universe away from our TV sets.

He’s leaving to move to Milan to be closer to perfect wife’s parents. It’s a little hard to believe that Preston Burke would give all this up to move for someone else, but we’ll suspend that disbelief. Why?  Because this means Cristina may not be leaving Seattle Grace Mercy Death Hospital in a body bag.  What does she decide?  First, let’s look at what else happened tonight.

Alex Karev (Justin Chambers) is really working for butthole doctor now.  He’s looking all GQ and happy for his fancy pants new job as he drops off Jo (Camilla Luddington) at his old place of employment, HIS REAL HOME.  We see him a few times in the eppy and it is just not right. Something’s got to happen to bring back hot McGrumpy.  It’s not the same without you bitching and whining, all the while caring about those tiny humans like no other doc.  He tells Jo she can always call him if she needs help during the day. She goes a little Jo-crazy saying no way in hell she needs help from her boyfriend. He responds in perfect Karev form with, “Dude you’re being weird. Get out of the car before you escalate.”  Oh Alex, come back.

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ELLEN POMPEO, CATERINA SCORSONE

Things do escalate for Jo.  She’s running in a hundred different directions, not doing anything right and looking like one of those hamsters sprinting on a wheel for no apparent reason. She messes up so badly that Owen has to perform emergency surgery on an elderly patient. Later, she overhears that the hospital is firing one intern.  Hmmm. Leah and Shane are not returning next season, so maybe they’ll make it two?

In the emotional medical case of the night, conjoined twins have to be separated or they will both die. The adult sisters are like an old, married couple, finishing each other’s sentences and jokes.  No, this will never end well in Shondaland.  Forty docs are on board for the intricate surgery.  One twin develops a clot as the two are pulled apart and the surviving twin has to make the tragic decision to take her off life support.  Yes, you just can’t have a “no Kleenex” episode, can you Grey’s?

In better news, Bubble Boy Braden is doing well, as in “a miracle from God” well. Maybe more like a miracle from Miranda Bailey (Chandra Wilson).  Intern Stephanie (Jerrika Hinton) confirms our suspicions that Miranda secretly DID give Braden the revolutionary gene therapy treatment unbeknownst to mom and dad or anyone. This will not be the end of this one although we can’t help but be happy that the kid with the huge smile and equally huge hair can burst that bubble. Ends justifying the means?  I’m sure we’ll find out in episodes to come.

The family of bad heart kids who just lost daughter Frankie last week are being released to heal at home.  The two remaining kids are improving so they all need to get the heck out if the hospital before something else happens. Semi-good news. At least for us.  We don’t have to cry through another child dying. I’ll call it a win.

In more happy news, April (Sarah Drew) gets a sonogram and the OB confirms they have a “little blueberry” growing inside there.  She argues some with Jackson (Jesse Williams) over nothing much, I guess because her whiny needed to come out a little.  She gets over it and the struggling pair have a sweet scene in the hospital chapel where Jackson says he’ll go to church with his family because he’d rather be with them than without them. He adds he’ll be all in if they can stop for waffles after. Surprisingly, April doesn’t protest with an “I’m allergic to gluten” response and she’s all in too.

The baby bug has really hit Calzona with Arizona (Jessica Capshaw) sharing possible names with April, including the gem Agamemnon.  She says she plans on burying a few cute names with names that could be rendered child abuse in all fifty states. Good plan?  Not so fast blondie. In a hilarious scene of irony, Callie (Sara Ramirez) contemplates the moniker Agamemnon.  “I think I love it!” she says enthusiastically. Yeah, someone call child protective services, pronto.

(ABC/Eric McCandless)
JERRIKA HINTON, JESSE WILLIAMS, SARA RAMIREZ, JAMES PICKENS JR., TESSA FERRER, ELLEN POMPEO

In the “who cares” moment of the night, Derek (Patrick Dempsey) treats sister Amelia (Caterina Scorsone) like she rode the short bus at school.  She’s not having it and reprimands him mightily for calling her “Amy” in front of everyone. “I’m DR.Shepherd!  Amy makes me sound like a sorority sister!”

Derek tries to make up by recommending her for a neurosurgeon position that would involve working with Callie and of course moving back to Seattle.  So Yang’s leaving and we get Amy instead?  I don’t think so.

Back to the Burke offer, the main event of the night. Meredith picks up her sister wife at the airport and knows Cristina’s answer the second she sees her face.

“You’re leaving,” she says.

The looks of these two…oh boy. How can two words have us reaching for more Kleenex?  The acting is so special, the bond so great, is it even possible to have a Grey’s without the chemistry that is Mer/Yang?  I guess we’ll find out soon enough. Because in case you hadn’t heard, they are never getting back together. Who else is never getting back together?  Burke and Yang, thank goodness. You can do better, Cristina.  Perhaps Karev and the hospital since he’s in sell out heaven.  All these break ups are making me sad.

What’s even sadder?  There are only two episodes left.  Let’s all pray to the Shonda gods above that divine intervention occurs and Oh doesn’t leave. Or let’s huddle together and enjoy the final scenes of the final two showcasing the magnificent force of nature we know as Cristina Yang.  I’ll see you back here next week, same time, same place, same sad look on our faces. Break ups are never easy, EVER, but we can do this.