TV REVIEW: Covert Affairs “Silence Kit”

Eyal Lavin makes a much anticipated return in this week’s Covert Affairs.

Oded Fehr once said, during a Covert Affairs press conference, that he was “like the flu: I come once or twice a year, people get sick of me and then I leave.” That’s only half true – while Eyal’s appearances are sporadic, if fangirl reaction is any indication, no one is getting sick of him.

So as it turns out, everyone’s favourite Mossad agent IS back this week, albeit in flashback sequences. Which hopefully leaves the possibility of further appearances this season: after all, there’s only so many plausible reasons for a spy from a rival agency to be in cahoots with the CIA. Now that he’s Annie’s unofficial doctor though, we might have an excuse for him to come back. Or not – last season he appeared for a grand total of 45 seconds remember.

Oh well. There was more to Covert Affairs life this episode than just Eyal Lavin’s guest appearance (but not much more). We also met the mysterious Postman, bringing to an end a suspenseful one episode mystery that no one really cared about. Spoiler alert: he’s already dead. More on that further down. Elsewhere, Joan and Arthur go on a date, Calder struggles to find a subplot to star in, and Annie’s secret heart condition is finally revealed.

As we open this week, a more relaxed Annie is back from Venezuela, and it’s the first time we’ve actually seen her in the office, suited up and ready for work in almost a full season. There’s an early season one vibe to the cast dynamic – and the hair styling. Maybe the darker storylines of previous months are taking a back seat! No: we’re only being lulled into a false sense of security – before the opening titles have even flashed on the screen, Annie is involved in a car accident and the ominous hashag #annieslastnight flashes up on the screen. Uh oh.

Though – does anyone truly expect us to believe that this could be Annie’s final appearance on Covert Affairs? Who’s going to take over as the new protagonist — Calder’s mistress? Oh well, if they want us to believe that Piper Perabo might not make it back next week, we’ll play along – let’s see who might take over as the Central Intelligence Agency’s next top spy!

Annie survives the car accident, of course, coming out unscathed apart from one singular cut conveniently hidden under her fringe, so she can still look attractive for the rest of the episode. However, there’s more at stake than just her immediate life or her appearance – the “blood work” she had done at the hospital reveals – somehow! – that she has a secret heart condition. Annie tries to bullshit her doctor, saying there must have been a mistake, but he sees right through her. Hey, who’s the spy here? This doctor’s pretty good – maybe the CIA should recruit him.

Annie realises the agency will get a copy of the blood work first thing in the morning, and promptly declare her unfit for work. It’s too bad she’s not some kind of super spy who could easily locate and destroy the files making sure no one ever saw them again. Oh wait. However, you’d be giving Covert Affairs too much credit if you think that Annie actually remembers she’s a spy at this point. Instead, she sighs and relents, believing this to be her final night as a CIA field agent. Ah, that’s what “Annie’s last night” meant. Piper Perabo will still be in the show next week, but from now on the show will just be a really boring version of The Office.

Away from the hospital, Joan and Arthur are across town at a gala, or as Arthur puts it “a night out on the town”. Joan’s only agreed to be there because earlier Calder ordered her to “put her oar in the water”. Which I guess was a metaphor for “attend a party”. Calder doesn’t get the best lines. Anyway, this is apparently the couple’s first night out since the baby was born. Because I’m sure Joan and Arthur have been working 9 to 5 hours since that baby (that we saw once and never again) came along. Oh well, at least Joan looks incredible in that hair and dress.

Over on Secret Diary of A Calder, our titular character has spotted his regular call girl at the gala, and drags her into the stairwell for a romantic pantsdown rendezvous. Joan spots them. Of course. Does anyone on this show remember they’re a spy?

Back at the hospital, Auggie has dropped everything to be with Annie, and she confesses two secrets: 1) She’s got a heart condition 2) She went to see Eyal Lavin to treat it. You know, instead of a real doctor. Because someone who’s had only two years of medical training and works for a foreign spy agency is the best person to trust when you’ve just suffered a heart attack.

Just kidding. Well, not kidding about Annie making terrible decisions. We’d trust Eyal Lavin with anything. And with that, we get treated to an amazing flashback of Annie in Jerusalem with Eyal, and it’s all pretty much just a blur of charming handsomeness for the five minutes that follow.

At some stage during the flashback Eyal attempts to talk some sense into Annie, trying to convince her to leave the CIA. Because she might literally die if she keeps working there. He even says she can live at his house. Come on Annie, use your head girl! That was the offer of a lifetime. Annie, stupidly, declines, saying that life isn’t worth living if she’s not a spy. Girl. Come on.

Unfortunately the flashback is over way too soon, and we’re back in present day, where Annie actually does some of that spying she says she can’t live without. If it’s gonna be her final night, she is gonna go out with a bang by catching that Postman guy that we kind of remember was supposed to be a bad guy. We kinda get the impression his character wasn’t fully fleshed out. He turns out to be a NSA agent, which means he traces Annie to her Not-So-Safe House and tried to get her with a taser. A taser? Okay, at least this makes it really easy for Annie to just shoot him with a gun, and with that, the entire Postman arc is over before it even began.

We end the episode at Joan’s office the following morning. Annie’s last night is up! She’ll never spy again! In fact, Joan has Annie’s medical records sitting on her desk – and she’s very, very upset with Annie. For lying and working while having a…concussion. Doh. Looks like Annie’s got a few more nights left. America’s Next Top Annie Walker won’t make it to air after all.