THE X-FILES: Were-monsters and Jackalopes and Lizards, oh my!

Mulder, the Internet is not good for you

“Mulder & Scully Meet the Were-monster” starts us off in the woods of Shawan, Oregon, following a couple out to get high. When the always hilarious Tyler Labine wishes he could be a werewolf, he and his girlfriend stumble upon a monster attacking someone. Their appearance scares it, and the monster runs off into the woods, leaving behind a dead body, and another injured.

Back at the FBI, in what plays throughout the episode, Mulder is having a bit of a mid-life crisis, and questions Scully that since much of the unexplained has been explained, is it time for him to put away childish things like jackalopes? Because there’s no such thing as monsters. Of course, Scully has a new case – and it has a monster in it.

The two make their way out to Oregon, and as they survey the scene, Mulder rules out the possibility of murder by monster by suggesting the victim was killed by a mountain lion. When Scully shows him that there are several bodies, Mulder suggests it was a pack of grey wolves. Sensing Mulder’s reluctance to pin the case on a monster, Scully convinces him to continue on by assuring him that regardless of what it is that killed these people, by solving the case, they are in fact helping people, and that’s what matters. Looking at the drawing of the monster, Mulder agrees and tells Scully he fully believes whoever killed the people would have two eyes versus the three shown in the picture. Sure enough, we then see our monster again as it’s about to attack someone, and it has two eyes.

As Mulder and Scully interview a witness who survived the monster attack by hitting the monster with her purse they determine the monster was most similar to a lizard, but was wearing underwear. In disbelief, but determined to find the monster, Mulder and Scully go in the direction it ran, and find Pasha, the animal control officer who had earlier been attacked in the woods. The three come upon a dead body, and it’s too much for Pasha, who takes off running. Then, in an absolutely classic bit that runs through the next several scenes, Mulder starts fighting with a new photo app on his phone, but can’t figure out if it’s working. While he’s trying to figure it out, the monster runs out past him, and he takes off after it. After being startled by Pasha, the two try to fix the camera app together, unaware of the monster sneaking up behind them. Their screams alert Scully, who leaves the dead body to find no monster, but instead Mulder on the ground with blood on him, and Pasha, who after surveying his now very damaged animal control gear, decides it’s better to just quit.

As Scully works through the autopsy, Mulder keeps shoving his phone in her face, showing her the blurry photos he managed to take of the monster, as well as a very clear video of him screaming. The teasing banter between the two is incredible in this scene, especially when Mulder points out that the horned lizard squirts blood out of its eyes, just as this monster obviously did, so the realm of the natural sciences could still apply to this case. Scully is thoroughly enjoying the back and forth, but finally convinces him to go back to the hotel, and to not dream about monsters.

That however, is a task not easily accomplished, and Mulder ends up being woken by someone screaming about monsters. He finds the owner of the motel drinking rubbing alcohol, and decides to investigate the source of the screams. In a tossed motel room, he discovers some prescription medication before finding a hole behind a jackalope mount. The hole turns out to be a door, which leads into a hallway system, with peepholes into all the rooms, including Scully’s. Mulder finally ends up back in the office, and shows his badge, asking the owner what he saw.

At this point the show flips its point of view, and we start seeing the story from a couple of other characters in the story. First, we see recent events from the point of view of the owner, as he walks through his secret hallway, looking in on Scully, Mulder, and a man who starts trashing his room. The man then transforms into the monster, and after showing the owner a picture, Mulder confirms it’s the same man he and Scully saw at the truck stop.

Back in Scully’s room, Mulder theorizes about what the monster could mean, and Scully, in agreement with the rest of us, tells him, “this is how I like my Mulder.” She does not however, agree with his theory, because he is “bat crap crazy,” and asks for facts.

Mulder decides to meet with the doctor who prescribed the monster’s medication. The doctor doesn’t seem to be the sanest person in the world, and when Mulder questions him on how well he actually knew the patient since the name “Guy Mann” probably wasn’t a real name. The doctor tells Mulder he recommended the patient walk in a cemetery the next time he felt something coming on, because that’s what he did to calm himself down.

As Mulder leaves, Scully calls to tell him she found Guy at the local phone store. Mulder joins her, and finds the place trashed. Scully isn’t sure where Guy went, but Mulder guesses he was in the cemetery. Sure enough, he finds Guy there, and convinces him to tell him what was going on.

In a long exposition, and the second time we see the story from another character’s point of view, we find out Guy has always been a lizard, and was minding his own business in the woods when two men fighting with each other, fell on him. One of the men bit him, and Guy took off running to save himself. When he woke up the next day, he realized he was human, and felt the need to dress himself, hunt for food (cheeseburgers), check into the motel, and watch porn. Each night, he would transform back into his lizard form, but would go back to being a human during the day. Soon, he felt the need to get a job, and eventually got a dog. Guy even described a run in with Scully, but Mulder quickly stopped Guy’s story, and Guy admitted he was making it up. As Guy continued, he told Mulder about how nothing he was doing was making him happy, and all he wanted to do was turn back into his lizard form.

Mulder can’t bring himself to believe Guy’s fantastical story, and drinks himself to sleep in the cemetery. He’s awoken by his cellphone ringtone, which in a fantastic nod to the fans, is the X Files theme song, and Scully tells him she’s at the animal shelter. Turns out, her autopsy showed that Pasha was the one they needed to be looking for. And, sure enough, he comes up behind her as she’s talking, and uses his collar pole on her.

Mulder races to get to her, and finds she handled Pasha just fine and has him in custody, but puts it together that Guy’s story of being bitten by Pasha was true, so he runs off to find him. He tells Guy he knows now Guy was telling the truth, but is still a little unsure. Guy however settles that by turning into a lizard right in front of Mulder, and runs away, leaving Mulder a little more confident of his beliefs in the unexplained.

NEXT: You Have the Lens Pointed the Wrong Way