New Girl Review: Oh Captain, My Captain!

By Nicole Bozzani

It’s been one month since Nick and Jess have started dating. How can this momentous occasion be celebrated? With a manipulative sheet cake, a cat bachelor party, and something called The Captain, of course.

Things got strange in New Girl’s apartment 4D this week  – as if that was even possible. Nick and Jess are still in the honeymoon stages of their new relationship, and it seems they just can’t get enough of each other, much to the dismay of Schmidt. Schmidt is still heartbroken over losing Cece and Elizabeth and is determined as ever to break up the happy couple. Meanwhile Winston tries to help Ferguson get lucky before he gets neutered.

“The Captain” served as a learning experience for viewers. Nick finally learned how to express his feelings. Unfortunately it became a flood gate no one could close. (Not even Jess in her bra.) Nick has become a new man since season three premiered and it’s finally starting to feel good. The Nick Miller of seasons past is fading away and paving the way for a new stronger happier, and more confident man. And frankly, it’s a change that’s enjoyable to watch.

This couple definitely have their flaws, but we haven’t come to a point where the the little things start to grate on the nerves. It will be hard (on viewers) if that day should come. Nick and Jess’ relationship was worth the sexual tension-filled wait. At times it just feels too TV perfect for words, but then it’s time to cash in the feels at the bank. Ness has been shipped since episode one for many, and it’s time to let them have their moment.

Schmidt on the other hand has a whole series of problems. He’s still as determined as ever to find some weakness in Nick and Jess’ new thing. At first he thinks that weakness is sheet cake. Everyone knows sheet cakes are humanity’s weakness. They are just too delicious. Who wouldn’t accept a celebratory sheet cake in the shape of a one? Spoilers: No one. Not even Jess who dives in to suppress her anger. Next logical solution? Attack Nick’s self confidence and happiness. It’s definitely a low blow, even for Schmidt, to remind Nick of his painful longest relationship, Caroline. Thankfully new Nick is smarter and doesn’t fall for it. Trying to intimidate Jess by discussing the couple’s problems in the bedroom leads to a hilarious reveal (and a great comedic moment for Schmidt’s Max Greenfield) – The Captain. The Captain is apparently a sexual act so disturbing, its mere description has to be muffled by the sounds of a smoothie in a blender.

Schmidt ties to get between Nick and Jess. Literally. (L-R) Zooey Deschanel as Jess, Jake Johnson as Nick, Max Greenfield as Schmidt. Image © FOX

As for Winston? Ferguson appears to be Winston’s one true love as of late, and it’s unsurprising to see some more cat-related confusion as Winston attempts to invite a ‘cat friend’ to Ferguson’s party, but inadvertently sends the wrong message to his owner. The poor girl and her cat, Fatty, come over to the loft in an attempt to get lucky, but Winston is all about the cats! On a side note, Winston is getting more story lately and that’s always something to look forward to with or without Ferguson. Preferably with Ferguson. He’s just so adorable.

So, what have audiences learned from The Captain? Cats don’t speak English, if feelings were supposed to be talked about they would be called talkies, don’t back Nick into a corner because he will drown you with a river of feelings, and Schmidt had a post-Titanic Billy Zane fan club called the Zaniacs. All very valuable life lessons to use in everyday situations. Will Nick and Jess continue to bask in the glow of their relationship? Will Winston and Ferguson open their very own cat brothel? Will Schmidt ever adjust to his surprising new birth control regimen? Only time will tell, but one thing is certain: Never under any circumstances should anyone attempt The Captain.