LUCIFER “Weaponizer” Recap

By Chris B

Former kung fu actor Wesley Cabot, beset by a drug problem (but “only if you consider ingesting millions of dollars of cocaine a problem”), has turned up dead. Cabot’s been killed in his martial arts studio, forced into the unsavory world of teaching after his prestigious B-movie world dried up.  Oh, how the mighty are fallen.

Wesley’s ex-wife Jaime Lee was spotted speeding away from the dojo, so she’s hauled in for questioning in her appropriately slutty red dress.  She pleads nothing but good intentions for her visit, playing a voice mail from Cabot that his life had been destroyed on the set of one of their movies, Body Bags 4.  Hard to believe a riveting classic like that could lead to anything but bliss, but apparently Ms. Playmate’s current husband had a beef with Wesley about it.

Lucifer and Detective Douche get in some much-needed male bonding moments thanks to their love of cheesy cinema, fan-girling over Wesley and his rival Kimo, who’d starred in the equally Shakespearean satellite franchise, The Weaponizer.  The boys are, as Chloe indicates, somewhat “oddly adorable.”

Lucifer and Chloe interrupt a mugging in their pursuit of Kimo, only to find that he is the one perpetrating the crime.  Why?  The near-victim has gambling debts with the mob, stomping all over Lucifer’s fantasy movie-plot motives.  Apparently another star has fallen.  This fool just wants his wife to be happy and not find out that he’s broke; thus, he had taken whatever job he could to pay the bills.  What a loser.

Despite Kimo’s Hallmark-worthy plea, his prints are on the murder weapon, so the cuffs go on.  But will The Weaponizer remain in jail when the Devil thinks him innocent?  Never!  Lucifer pays his bail, and rightly so, as Kimo’s alibi checks out.

Suspicion turns to Wesley and Kimo’s business manager who was skimming off the merchandising royalties for the two actors.  Quickly they realize that he must be working with Jamie Lee in order to have one husband’s prints end up on the other’s instrument of death.

As the co-conspirators start to turn on one another, Kimo bursts in with a shot gun, ready to make all pay for ruining his life.  Despite Lucifer’s objection, Chloe stands her ground, hearing nothing but “a man who’s in a lot of pain.”  She persuades him that no one has control over what happens to in life, only over his reaction to it.

Kimo relents; crisis averted.

Patterns of Attack

A series of unfortunate events is responsible for Chloe’s car crash, and dominoes are set in motion by a smug figure in a trench coat.  To Chloe, though, it was a simple accident and nothing more.

Turns out the shady troublemaker is another of Lucifer’s siblings, Uriel.  Lucifer wastes no time in advising him to drop the trench—“it’s less cool, brooding angel and more like pedophile chic.”  Good call.  He delivers the ultimatum Lucifer had feared would come:  deliver Mom or Decker dies.  Anyone surprised?  Me, either.  In Uriel’s words, “predictable as ever.”

While an angel cannot kill a human, apparently Uriel can “play with patterns” and create an effect, such as “make a butterfly flap its wings and a housewife gets chlamydia.”  Before all of Orange County destroys its gardens, fear not:  Lucifer is sending a “nuclear weapon” on the job to convince their brother to relent, by whatever means necessary.  And just to be safe, he’s appointed himself Chloe’s “guardian devil” until the crisis is past.

Meanwhile, Charlotte is having a difficult time adjusting to suburban life with its time constraints and constant demands for pants to be worn.  I’m with you, sister, but you really should beware of your ethereal kids, particularly those with a strong desire to return you to damnation.  Well, maybe ‘strong’ is pushing it.  Amenadiel is taking the softer approach, a mild warning that is met with predictable manipulative smarm of the “I’m just happy to be around my kids for as long as I can” variety.  Shocker.

Amenadiel comes to Lucifer with a wonderfully non-violent plan to avoid all issues and just hide Charlotte and Chloe from their brother, to wait him out.  Lucifer is shocked—apparently, Amenadiel’s time on Earth has changed him from the bad-ass action hero he’d always been, the oldest brother that Lucifer and Uriel had looked up to, an enviable “power-hungry dick.”  Lucifer tells him to go for it:  “Unleash yourself and enjoy it.”

Amenadiel prepares to confront Uriel “in all [his] angelic ego.”  The two angels meet on the rooftop and when the latter offers his help, Amenadiel pours on the insults for the brother that had always existed “somewhere in the middle, lost in the crowd of [his] betters.”  When there’s something strange in your neighborhood, who’s God gonna call?  Amenadiel, not Yuri.

Amenadiel’s bravado is for naught.  Middle Brother sees through his screen, knowing that if he were at full strength, there would have been more punching, less yapping.  He proceeds to kick his brother’s ass, wings out.

When Lucifer sees Amenadiel’s hamburger face, the latter is forced to confess that he no longer has his powers.  The natural result of all of his sinning:  “I’ve fallen.”  But Lucifer cannot spare the time to wipe up his brother’s giant man tears because he’s got to run off and clean up his mess.  Chloe is still in danger.

Uriel is already on the job:  he sets in motion a series of events which culminate in Kimo seeing his wife cozying up to her partner in crime, just as Chloe pulls up to question them.   Is Kimo going to do something uncharacteristically bad?  According to Decker, “Not on my watch.”  Successful, she insists upon leaving the scene alone, a non-believer in fate and bad luck.  Well done, Detective.

Maze convinces Charlotte to volunteer to go back to Hell.  However, Lucifer is sick of trying to deduce what his father wants.  After all, he’d only been shown an open door in Hell, nothing more.  That’s a vague sign, not a notarized letter of instructions.  He vows to determine an alternative, despite Charlotte’s insistence that Uriel never gives up once his mind is set:  “There’s always another way.”  (Careful, Wiseman, your Sleepy Hollow is showing again…)

His first step?  Prayer.  Interesting choice, but it is quickly interrupted by Uriel’s arrival.  Middle Brother has spent so much time lost in patterns that he’s seen Mom’s coming for a long time:  she’ll worm her way back into Heaven, get forgiven, and then destroy God.  Therefore, while Uriel does not know what Dad wants, he is confident that he knows what He needs, and Uriel has just the dagger to do it, borrowed from the Angel of Death, so it is sure to do its job swiftly and with finality.

Uriel threatens to strike a key on the organ that would, within two days, lead to the death of Chloe; it is either that or Charlotte goes bye-bye.  Lucifer stops him—only to clobber him in the face.  An epic domestic begins between them, full of snazzy action moves, which lead to Lucifer prone on the floor.  Maze tries to intercede, but she’s taken down as well.

That does it.  To pay for his troubles, Uriel now wants to take out Mom and Chloe both, but before he can strike the key, Lucifer pushes through his gut with the dagger, killing his brother.  He staggers home, broken, allowing Mom to comfort him.  “What have I done?”

The chaos is just beginning.  My prediction?  You’ve done exactly as Mommy wanted all along.  Welcome to Devil Time.